The Feelings of a Father-To-Be

As Emily noted in a previous blog post, I've been pretty anxious for Maizie to be born ever since Emily got to be around 37 weeks pregnant. Since the time that this feeling of anxiety first hit me up until the time I started my paternity leave (Friday the 5th), I was able to distract myself on weekdays thanks to my job. Weekends were pretty killer, though, since I was just sitting around at home. Overall, I would say I was doing pretty well with staying sane.

Lately, however, my sanity has been a little more questionable. You see, when we found out that Emily was going to be induced on Friday the 5th, we assumed that it was a pretty sure thing that Maizie would be born either that day or the next day. Because of this, I decided to start my paternity leave on Friday the 5th and then return to work on Monday the 22nd. But as it turns out, the birthing center's definition of "induction" is not the same as it is for most people in America. Remember, this is a natural birthing center we're talking about. Although we did see some results from what they did, it didn't send Emily into labor. In other words, what we were so sure was going to happen didn't happen. And since I'm on paternity leave, I no longer have my job to distract me with. I could go back, but it would be a pretty big hassle and I'm not even sure it would be a very effective distraction anymore since we're past Emily's due date.

This is how it's been lately:

I wake up in the morning wondering "is today the day?" I then try to go about my day and do normal things, but I have a hard time focusing on anything other than wondering "is today the day?" Any time Emily makes a sound that has the slightest hint of discomfort, I immediately get hopeful, thinking maybe she's having a meaningful contraction or maybe her water broke. When I find out that this isn't the case, I get a little bit let down, but then I think about something else to give me hope, like the fact that we're this far along or the fact that Emily's mucus plug has already come out. These things keep my hope up because they must mean that labor is just around the corner, right? Eventually, night comes and there are still no signs of labor, but I don't let it get me down because I think "OK, so it didn't happen today, but it could happen in the middle of the night tonight!" Then I go to bed wondering "is tonight the night?" and I eventually fall asleep and dream about Emily going into labor. I then wake up and repeat this entire process.

Living like this has been very hard and it has also made time go by extremely slowly. The thing that has been able to keep me semi-sane throughout all this (and also kind of break up the cycle) is the thought that "maybe at the next appointment the midwives will say that it's time to break Emily's water" or "maybe when Emily gets adjusted at the chiropractor it will tweak her body in such a way that will cause her to go into labor". But each time, I'm let down once again.

For some reason, today's letdown was the worst of them all. Yesterday I was so convinced that Emily was going to go into labor either that day, that night, or the next morning (which was this morning). It didn't happen, but I didn't feel too bad about it because, for some reason (I have no idea why), I thought the midwives would have something to say at our appointment today that would give me hope. But when we got there, they were talking about Emily's labor like it could still be several days away, or even longer. I'm not sure why, but that really, really let me down today. I've lost count of how many times I've been let down now, but it's a lot. Up until today, I've been able to quickly find something to bounce me back into a state of hopefulness, but not today. I was feeling pretty down after the visit with the midwives. In fact, I was feeling a little bitter too; not at the midwives, Emily, Maizie, or anybody else, but at the situation. After that letdown, I finally decided that I am not going to let myself get excited or get my hopes up anymore at all until Emily is absolutely, positively, without any question or doubt in labor. Since I made that decision, I've been feeling much better.

I know that much of what I've been feeling lately has been irrational, but it is what it is. My advice to anybody anxious for their baby to be born is to absolutely not get your hopes up for a specific day or even a specific week; just do anything in your power to distract yourself and be patient. It's extremely difficult, but it will save your sanity.

To end on a more positive note, we got another ultrasound today and got to see Maizie's face! Here's a picture (her head is sideways with her forehead towards the right and her mouth towards the left):



It will be so great when she's born!